


Life Got In The Way

by feveredpitch



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-07
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2018-01-11 11:23:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 9,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1172467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feveredpitch/pseuds/feveredpitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of my angsty McKirk ficlets that range from unrequited to death</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

jim and bones fell madly in love while at the academy, but slowly over their five year mission jim could tell that bones was losing whatever and brought them together. jim would spend an unnecessary amount of time on the bridge because bones pretended he always has a mountain of paperwork that he needs to catch up. they didn't even have to say the words. it was understood at the end when the shuttle landed in san francisco that they would be going their separate ways. jim wouldn't couldn't even look leonard in the eye, but he couldn't let him end like that. before they went their separate ways, leonard grabbed jim by the arm.

"say something kid, wouldn't you? anything."

what could jim say to him? that he wouldn't given up everything for bones? traveled to the most distant planet or happily retire and live in georgia for the rest of their lives? that if it weren't for bones, who the hell knows what would have become of that broken and battered kid from iowa who had no direction or purpose in his life? no, he couldn't say any of that. so he looked at bones and said the only thing he could.

"i'll never get over you."


	2. Chapter 2

At the beginning, one of the most annoying things that Jim did is argue with Bones about his feelings. He tried to tell Bones to stay away from him. Tried telling him that he was damaged and dysfunctional and in the end, he would burn all of the good that was left in Bones. So he pushed and pushed as hard as he good, but Bones never left his side. Bones finally reasoned with him, "Kid, I've been around long enough to know what I can deal with. You should let me decide." So slowly, Jim stopped pushing him away and learned to embrace the love and warmth Bones provided.

A few all too short years later, as Jim stared at the coffin that held his beloved, he decided that was the greatest regret in his life so far. That he spent too much time pushing Bones away and not enough time loving him. And he will never get those days back again.


	3. Chapter 3

Jim was beyond excited right now, like a kid at Christmas. For weeks he had watched Bones get all jittery and nervous every time they went out with friends and finally Bones had come to him. He needed Jim's advice on what to do with this "mystery person" he had developed feelings for. Jim knew this was it. This was their time. Everyone make comments and remarks all the time about how they were practically an old married couple anyways. He had noticed Bones starting at him and suddenly looking away when Jim looked in his direction. So Jim helped Bones come up with a plan. Using an old exercise room that no one used anymore, they set up a Winter Wonderland theme complete with snowflakes, fake snow and floating candles.

"You don't think this is a little...tacky, do ya Jim?"

"Nah, Bones. It's...romantic. Besides, this is what you wanted my help with, isn't it?"

Bones sighed and Jim couldn't help but laugh at him. This is exactly what Bones wouldn't have been able to accomplish.  
Later that evening, Jim couldn't help but notice how adorable Bones was pacing around the dorm as he was getting ready, muttering to himself. If Jim was correct, almost like he was practicing some type of speech. Jim started to get butterflies from the anticipation. This was it. Exactly what he had been waiting for. Bones finally stopped pacing and looked at Jim.

"Okay, Jimmy. Final Checks. You sure I look okay? Ahh, jeez nevermind. I told Chapel I would meet her in ten minutes and it would make a shitty first impression if I was late. Hey, don't wait up, okay kid?"

Jim watched Bones walk away and stared in disbelief as the door shut. He thought this was finally it. Finally their time. He never thought that he would feel such complete and utter heartbreak before, especially at the hands of his best friend. After sitting there for who knows how long, Jim finally pulled himself off the floor and went and found Bones "hidden" bottle of Real Kentucky Bourbon. About halfway through the bottle he decides this isn't the end. This isn't the final nail in their coffin. This just means he has to work twice as hard to get what he wants. And everyone knows Jim always gets what he wants.


	4. Chapter 4

Jim always felt that his emotions had two settings - angry and numb. He didn't know he could feel anything else until he met Leonard McCoy. With Leonard, his Bones, he discovered how to love. He discovered passion, joy, trust, kindness and the closeness that he never thought he would find in another person. Bones made him see the beauty and wonder in the world. For the first time in his life he was able to see the joy in the little things and he woke up everyday excited for whatever it brought.

But like the old proverb says, all good things must come to an end and that end came too sudden and much sooner than Jim anticipated. He didn't see the signs coming, he didn't see Bones' growing detachment. Looking back though, he should have noticed the obvious signs. Bones constant rashness and lack of tolerance at the things he used to find amusing in Jim. He never questioned the sudden need for advanced medical personal to work overnight shifts at the clinic, so Jim got used to sleeping alone.

It wasn't long after they started their last year at Starfleet that Bones sat Jim down and told him things weren't working for him. He loved him, but he wasn't in love with him. Jim thought that was the biggest load of bullshit he had ever heard, but he didn't tell Bones that. He nodded his head and said he understood and hoped they would stay friends. Hell, if he wanted to be a Captain one day, he might as well start now being diplomatic.

It was hard for Jim to sleep at night after that so he threw himself into his final year at the academy, trying to live up to the impossible legacy he had ahead of him. It wasn't long before his body began to wear down and he started to feel the effects of lack of sleep. He constantly stayed sick, always coughing and had a permanent ache. He couldn't focus on anything anymore and it was starting to forget things that he should know. It didn't take much for the patient man to become irritable and snap at anyone checking on him.

Finally Jim noticed that he wasn't improving so after scouting the schedule at the hospital, he went to get checked when he knew Bones wasn't there. He was expecting to be put on bed rest and be given a hypo to boost his vitamin levels and he would be back on track. He wasn't expecting the doctors to look at his scans and blood work with such serious faces, inquiring as to how long Jim had felt this way.

To be honest, he didn't really know. He had pushed himself so hard to finish the academy in 3 years, he didn't remember a time where he wasn't at least a bit tired and irritable.

"So what's the prognosis, doc? You making me stay in here until I pinkie promise to get a full 8 hours a day and make sure to take my vitamins?" Jim tried to make a joke out of it, it's what he always does. But he knew by the look on the doctor's faces that it wasn't going to be this simple.

"Mr. Kirk, there is no simple way to say this. You have Darnay's disease and it seems to be progressing at a unprecedented rate. WE are sorry to inform you, that you seem to be towards the final stages."

Jim laid there quietly while the doctor's explained to him in great detail the terminal disease that was attacking his brain and central nervous system.

"Mr. Kirk, is there anyone we can call for you? And family or friends that you would like to be here with you?"

Jim sat and thought for a minute. Bones. He wanted Bones there with him, wanted him to sit there and hold his wanted. Wanted the man he loved to stay by his side and lie to him - tell him everything was going to be okay and once he got over this, they were gonna go up into the stars together. But instead, he silently shook his head and made one request. "No, I have no one. But if you could do me a favor - I understand that some personnel has to be informed of this, but please, don't let it spread around to the other cadets. They have enough to stress out about without worrying about me."

He closed his eyes so he didn't have to see the pity that filled the doctor's eyes to the brim. "Certainly, Mr. Kirk. And anything you need, feel free to let us know. We want to make you as comfortable as possible.  
                                  -------------------

It was only a short 3 weeks later when most of the academy gathered for the funeral of Jim Kirk. As his best friend, Bones was asked to give the eulogy and as he got up there he wasn't sure exactly what to say. He just closed his eyes and said the only thing his heart could think to say:

_I can safely say, that to know him, was to love him._   
_And to love him, was to know him..._   
_Those who knew him, loved him,_   
_while those who did not know him, loved him from afar._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The eulogy I used in this was from the TNG episode 'The Schizoid Man'


	5. Chapter 5

When they brought Jim's bloodied and broken body into the medbay, Bones was absolutely sure he was dead just by looking at him. One sweep with his tricorder though let Bones know that he was still hanging on, heartbeat slow but it was there. It was enough for him to work with - it was enough for him to save Jim. 

He made it through surgery without any further complications and Bones was able to stabilize his lungs that were close to collapsing. Nobody really knew how long Jim would need to make a full recovery. Hell, Bones didn't know how long it would be before he woke up again. If ever.

But he did his duty, as both his primary physician and as his partner, to stay by Jim's side every day. He held his hand, making circular patterns with his thumb while he talked to Jim about his day and giving him reports as to how Spock was doing in his stead. He knew Jim couldn't hear him, but it was reassuring nonetheless to go through the motions.

After a few weeks, the weight of the situation was starting to become too much for Bones to bare. He sat with Jim a little less everyday until he was only in the room for a couple minutes to check on the Captain's vitals every day.

He began to doubt himself. Began to doubt their relationship and doubt whether or not he could keep doing this to himself. He considered contacting the Admiral and asking for a transfer to another ship. It was becoming too much of a burden for him. He could only put Jim back together so many times before there would be nothing left for him to fix.

So he made the difficult decision to be selfish for once in his life. To protect himself instead of doing what was best for everyone else. It was his only means of survival. If he had to stay and watch Jim die, he knew there would be nothing left of him.

                              

One week later, when Jim awoke from his coma, his eyes searched the crowded room for the only face he wanted to see. Spock was by his side, ready to give him a full report as to the ship's status as soon as the Captain was prepared. But Jim didn't care about any of that right now - only one concern was on his mind.

"Commander, where is Doctor McCoy at?"

"Captain, I would prefer until you were more alert before I gave you a full report of the Enterprise and her crew. But, I cannot ignore a direct question from my commanding officer. Approximately eight days ago, Doctor McCoy requested and was granted a transfer to serve on another ship in the fleet. Doctor McCoy is gone."

 _Gone_.

"


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> anonymous tumblr prompt: could you write some unrequited mckirk? up to you who has the feelings, and maybe they talk to someone else about the feelings?

Nyota tried to ignore the constant knocking at her door thinking  _maybe if I ignore it, whoever the hell it is will go away._ Of course, it doesn’t cease, so she stops over to the door, flinging open.

"What the hell is - Leonard, hi! Sorry, I thought you were someone annoying. Like Jim." Her sentence trailed off as she noticed the wild and dazed look in Leonard’s eyes. 

"Len, is everything okay? You look a bit…startled."

"Um, yeah everything is fine. Well. Maybe. Can I come in and talk to you? I kind of have a situation that I don’t know how the hell to handle."

Nyota stepped aside to let Leonard in while wondering what the  _hell_ kind of situation could have the normally calm and steady doctor so frazzled.

"Have a seat, make yourself comfortable. Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea? Scotch?"

"As tempting as that is, I don’t think I need anything effecting my brain and rational thinking right now." Nyota noticed that Leonard was shaking a bit as he sat down.

"Okay, well why don’t you tell me what’s going on? Something has you pretty scattered right now. Is it something with your family? Did something happen to Jo?"

"No, no nothing like well. It has to do with - well, it was to do with Jim" If Nyota didn’t know any better, she would say that Len blushed a bit at the mention of Jim’s name.

"Oh, god I can only image. What the hell did the idot do this time? Did he drink your hidden stash of good whiskey? Did you catch him having sex with that cute blonde bartender on your bed again?"

"No, no nothing like well. It has to do with - well, it was to do with Jim" If Nyota didn’t know any better, she would say that Len blushed a bit at the mention of Jim’s name.

"Oh, god I can only image. What the hell did the idot do this time? Did he drink your hidden stash of good whiskey? Did you catch him having sex with that cute blonde bartender on your bed again?"

"No, nothing like tha - wait, what do you mean again? Nevermind, that isn’t important. Shit. I thought about how I was going to say this the entire walk over here and now that I’m here I don’t really know what to say."

"Don’t overthink it just spit it out. What happened?" She was wracking her brain but for the life of her she could not for the life of her figure out what Leonard was freaking out about.

She could tell he was trying to think of the best words to explain it, but judging by the deep creases across his brow, they weren’t coming to him. She was about to start playing 20 Questions to help him out but apparently Leonard couldn’t keep it in anymore.

"Jim’s in love with me! The stupid kid actually told me he was in love with me! Can you _believe_ it?” Leonard jumped up off the couch, arms flailing as he continued to try to wrap his mind around his best friend’s earlier confession. Nyota spent a few minutes studying his reactions and he spent a little longer ranting about how _the kid wouldn’t know what love is even if it was dressed as a cheap stripper giving him a lap dance._

"Can I ask you a question?" Nyota figured it was time to stop him from overreacting and get down to the real reason that he was freaking out so much about this.

"Sure, go ahead."

"Are you freaking out so much because you don’t return his feelings or is it something else? Are you scared because someone actually loves you - or are you scared because it’s Jim?" Leonard stopped short where he was standing and Nyota knew she hit a nerve there.

"That’s it, isn’t it? When you joined Starfleet, you told me you were at the lowest point in your entire life and you didn’t know which direction you were heading. You had no one in your life until you boarded that shuttle - and then Jim was there. He was your kindred spirit - someone else that was just as messed up as you were looking for a way out. A way to belong. You were both a couple of broken pieces and somehow you found each other. I don’t know what you are so damn scared of, but I see the way he looks at you. And I see the way you look at him when you think no one else is looking. It’s plain as day to everyone but you that you two belong together. Hell, even Jim knows it."

The look of realization slowly crept on Leonard’s face and he realized that maybe, just maybe, Nyota was right. Maybe running away from Jim wasn’t the answer.

"What did you say?" Nyota’s words snapped Len out of his daze and he just stared at her.

"Huh?"

"What did you say? When he told you he was in love with you?" As the asked the question, the sheepish look on Len’s face gave him away.

"Oh my _god_. You didn’t say anything, did you? You stupid, stupid man. That poor kid,” Leonard started backing towards the door as Nyota’s words got louder and louder, “he probably has never poured his heart out to anyone before. And he chose to do it with _you_ and you just _ran_? You better run back over to him and fix all of this before it is damanged beyond repair, Leonard McCoy.”

She back him out into the hallway and with those final words, slammed the door in his face. _Men_. After standing there for a few moments in disbelief, she went over to look out at the window and couldn’t help but smile at the sight of Leonard running across the quad like his life depended on it.

She just hoped he wasn’t too late.


	7. Chapter 7

bones was never prepared for jim dying and he was even less prepared for having to give the eulogy at his funeral. but there he stood, fingers gripping his little piece of paper so hard that it's tearing.

because he doesn't know how to sum up jim's existence into a short and sweet five minute speech. he doesn't want to sound too flippant or too contrite.

suddenly he doesn't know anything anymore.

he doesn't know how he is going to be able to go home at the end of his shift, knowing jim's open arms and infectious laughter won't be there to greet him anymore.

he doesn't know how he is going to wake up everyday without feeling jim's warmth by his side.

he doesn't know what the hell there is worth living for anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

It was the worst argument Bones and Jim had ever had. Screaming and yelling and the occasional non-breakable glass being thrown. Jim couldn't take it anymore and started walking towards the door, Bones grabbing him by his elbow before he could leave. 

"Goddammit, Jim, you can't just walk away from me."

Jim looks at him for a minute, deciding that yelling and throwing things wasn't enough for him at the moment.

"Figured you'd be used to people walkin' out on you by now, Leonard."

Bones just stared at him wide-eyed, his eyes full of anger and pain as he let go of Jim's elbow and let him walk away.


	9. Chapter 9

Jim sat in the middle of their cold and dark living room, a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels his only company. He couldn't shake the hollow and empty feeling that had been following him around for days. He wanted to feel something - it didn't matter if it was happy or not. He wanted to grieve, to feel his sadness. He was tired of feeling numb.

He drunkenly stumbled over to the dusty old record player that Bones had insisted dragging around wherever they moved to. He clumsily sifted through the stack of records before finding what he was looking for.

He put the record on, adjusted the needle and sat back and let the works take him back to the happiest day of his life.

_When the rain's blowing in your face_   
_And the whole world is on your case_   
_I would offer you a warm embrace_   
_To make you feel my love_

He couldn't believe how nervous he was when he woke up on their wedding day. He felt like he had been waiting to marry Bones since that fateful day on the shuttle. It took them so long to finally admit their feelings for each other but once they got started it was the most natural thing in the world.

_When the evening shadows and the stars appear_   
_And there is no one to dry your tears_   
_I could hold you for a million years_   
_To make you feel my love_

He was extremely nervous during the ceremony and he had no idea why but all it took was a small, reassuring smile from Bones to let him know that everything was alright. This was their forever and it was exactly where Jim wanted to be.

_I know you haven't made your mind up yet_   
_But I would never do you wrong_   
_I've known it from the moment that we met_   
_no doubt in my mind where you belong_

When he closes his eyes, he can still see the look in Bones' eyes as they recited their vows. Those bright hazel irises shining with such happiness as they held each other's hands, promising to love each other for the rest of their lives.

Jim started choking on tears that just wouldn't come at the thought of their vows. He knew that Bones had loved him until his dying breath and Jim would love him just as long. If he was lucky, his dying breath wouldn't be so far away. Then he would be exactly where he belongs - with his Bones.

_I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue_   
_I'd go crawling down the avenue_   
_There ain't nothin that I wouldn't do_   
_To make you feel my love_

Bones had always loved the song and had picked it out as their first dance as a married couple. When Jim finally sat down and listened to the lyrics, it all seemed to fit for them. They struggled at the beginning with their feelings; Jim had a certain reputation and Bones had been so broken up because of divorce. But somehow they were both able to let go and just be with each other and the freedom that came with it was overwhelming at times.

_The storms are raging on a rolling sea_   
_And down the highway of regret_   
_The winds of change are blowing wild and free_   
_But you ain't seen nothin' like me yet_

His tears were coming freely know, his chest aching with the pain of them. He drunkenly sang along with the final bars of the song and if he closed his eyes hard enough, he could still feel how Bones felt in his arms, swaying to the words.

_There aint nothin that I wouldnt do_   
_Go to the ends of the earth for you_   
_Make you happy_   
_Make your dreams come true_   
_To make you feel my love_

Jim didn't go to the funeral. He couldn't bare it. He wanted Bones to stay in his mind like he was forever - happily dancing in his arms, soft spoken I love you's in his ear. He wanted to remember Bones bright and full of life. He wanted to remember Bones laughing and he wanted to remember him scowling in immense displeasure at something stupid Jim had done.

He wanted to remember him alive.


	10. Chapter 10

Leonard ran his hand across the soft satin material as he spoke to the funeral director.

"Blue. It should be blue."

He kept his voice soft to prevent it from breaking. His eyse burned with the tears that kept threatening to fall.

"It's an interesting choice of material." Joanna tried to keep her voice even to prevent her concern for her father show too much.

Leonard laughed, though it came out flat - the joy was far from gone out of anything anymore.

"It was a song he used to hum all the time. 'If I die young, bury me in satin.' I figured it was somewhat... _appropriate_." He turned his attention back to the funeral director, who was waiting patiently. "Sapphire blue."

_Like his eyes._

Leonard sunk to his knees, overcome with the grief and sudden realization that he would never see the beautiful color of his lover's eyes ever again.

_The sharp knife of a short life._


	11. Chapter 11

Leonard remembered back when him and Jim were at the academy. Those late nights sitting up drinking on the roof of their dorm, starting at the stars. They would make plans for the future. Make plans of staying together, side-by-side as Captain and CMO one day. Leonard also secretly hoped that maybe his feelings that he tried to bury deep inside would one come to fruition. Maybe Jim would wake up one day and realize that no one knew him better that his Bones did and no one would love him better.

It wasn't long after their appointments aboard the USS Enterprise that Bones started noticing Jim was acting strange. Well, stranger than usual. He noticed that Jim seemed to be spending more and more time with Commander Spock, which wasn't so unusual at first. But the first time he saw Jim eating alone with Spock during dinner, he started looking for other clues. And unfortunately he found exactly what he was looking for.

Bones was on the bridge one day and kept observing Jim. He noticed the way he kept glancing at Spock when no one was looking. He saw the way Jim's eyes softened and his voice lost that harsh, bitter edge whenever Spock addressed him. He saw the way Jim straightened, almost unknowingly, whenever the Commander was in his presence. The damn fool went and fell in love with a Vulcan.

Being the good friend Leonard is (and also being somewhat of an expert in falling in love with someone who has no chance of loving you back) he decided to invite Jim to his office to catch up.

"Captain! It's been too long." Bones greeted him cheerfully.

"God Bones, it's still just me. You don't have to address me by Captain in private," Jim's face flushed in embarrassment and delight at the title.

"So, what's new in your life?" Bones didn't think it was possible but Jim flushed even darker at the innocent question.

"Actually. Um. There's this thing now. This. Um. Person." Jim had stuttered over the words refusing to meet Bones' eyes.

"Person. You wouldn't happen to be referring to a particular Vulcan, would you?" Bones noticed Jim stiffen and his eyes widen at Bones' direct question.

"How did you--?" Jim couldn't get the question out that he was so desperate to ask.

"Oh, come on Jim. I know you. And I know the signs. I know what it's like to be so in love with someone you can't have. I know what it's like to have to bury those feelings when that person is so close." Bones looked down at his glass of bourbon at those words. He didn't want his eyes to reveal any of his hidden emotion right now.

"Yeah, that's tru-wait, what do you mean someone I can't have? You think that--? Oh, Bones. No. Um, we are together. Actually together. Spock and me." Jim had a small smile on his face at finally being able to say those words out loud to someone.

"Are you out of your mind? You're actually _fucking_ a Vulcan?" Bones tried to tone down his disbelief that Jim's utter stupidity but he was having a hard time doing it.

"I'm not just fucking him! It's not like that, okay? I'm in love - I _love_ him. For the first time in my life, I am happy and that's because of him. Look, I don't expect you to understand and I don't expect you to like it. But I expect you to act like my best friend and support what makes me happy. And right now this is what makes me happy. Can you do that for me?" Jim looked like a puppy that was desperate for it's owner's approval at this moment.

"Yeah, kid I can do that. It makes no damn sense to me but if it makes you happy then that's all that matters," Bones downed the rest of his drink and slammed his glass on his desk a little harder than he intended. "Listen, I have some papers I need to finish filling out. It's been fun - we should do this more often."

"Okay," Jim noticed the tension filling the air as they both rose and Bones walked Jim to the door. "Did I-- did I do something wrong here?" Jim turned around to look at Bones but the doctor wouldn't meet his eyes.

"No, Jim. You didn't do anything wrong. Just a long day ahead of me."

Jim slowly nodded as Bones shut the door quietly behind him before banging his head on the frame. _No kid, you didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault that I'm an asshole in love and too goddamn scared to say anything._

He hated that he was still so desperate for his love, but it had been this way for years. All he could do now was be what he had always been - Jim Kirk's best friend.


	12. Chapter 12

All Jim wanted was is to be loved. Is that too much to ask for? He didn't think so. But it wasn't enough for him to be loved by just anyone - he wanted Leonard. He wanted his best friend. He wanted his  _Bones_. 

Every time he was with Bones he had to fight the urge to blurt out his feelings. He is pretty sure Bones would deck him if he blurted out _I love you_  in the middle of the crowded cafeteria one day. It was inevitable though - Jim felt like his emotions were being held back by a damn and the levy was about to burst at any minute.

Then one Saturday night came, a normal weekend by their standards full of booze and women and laughter. The way the dim bar room light's hit Bones' face just right as his face was full of glee was beautiful and Jim couldn't hold it back anymore.

"Bones," Jim said softly.

"Huh, kid?" Bones replied.

"Need to tell you something."

"Then tell me why don't ya instead of just talkin' 'bout tellin' me."

Bones' eyes were full of mischief and his lips were curled slightly at the corners like they always were when he was teasing Jim.

"I, um. I think...shit."

"Spit it out, Jim."

With a wave of his hand, Jim ordered another round of shots and he immediately slammed the liquor down half a second after it arrived to the table.

"I'm in love with you, Bones. Have been for awhile and I, well, I can't do it anymore. Can't be quiet about it anymore."

The tension between them was so thick it could be cut with a knife and Jim made the mistake of looking up. Bones' eyes were wide and full of some sort of emotion that Jim couldn't quite put a finger on, but it wasn't good.

"Goddammit, Jim. Out of everything I thought you were gonna say, that wasn't it." Bones was shifting uneasily in his seat, "listen, kid--"

Jim cut him off before he could finish letting him down.

"Fuck. I can't-- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have," Jim's apology tumbled out of his mouth as he grabbed his jacket and slid out of the booth, walking as fast as he could to the nearest exist and not looking back.

He turned onto the next street after the bar and started walking. Kept walking til the bitter cold numbed his fingers and nose. He wasn't sure how far he walked before he stumbled upon a bench. He sat down, put his head in his hands and tried to concentrate on the rhythm of his breathing and not about the fact that he had fucked everything up.

He couldn't close his eyes without seeing the frozen look of rejection in Bones' eyes. 

_Goddammit, why the fuck did I have to do that?_

He tried as hard as he could to push it out of his mind. Tried as hard as he could not to think _that's just one more person I've pushed away._

He didn't just ruin two and a half years of friendship - he ruined the future. His future. Their future. 

 _Really, what is it all worth now,_  he thought.  _What good is my future? What is the point of being out in the black, being Captain of my own ship, without my best friend by my side?_

_I have to fix this._

So he comes up with a plan. Tomorrow morning when he wakes up, he'll go to Bones. Tell him how blindly, out of his mind drunk he was. Tell him he didn't remember a damn thing he said and he hoped he didn't say anything too stupid. Laugh it all and pretend that he can see something besides that look of rejection whenever he looks into Bones' eyes.

Because to Jim, having Bones as only a friend is better than without him at all. Jim cannot fathom the possibility of being in the black without his best friend and this is the only way to fix it. Jim knows that with Bones by his side, he can conquer the universe. And without him? Well, that's a possibility Jim can't even think about.

*****

Bones couldn't believe the words that were coming out of Jim's mouth. 

He knew he had feelings for Jim for a long time now - since he handed the kid his damn flask. Bones had thought the more they got to know each other, then his feelings would fade. But the opposite seemed to happen.

He got to know Jim - really know him. He got to experience his innocence and beauty on the inside and out. He also got to witness first hand at Jim's total rejection of serious relationships and monogamy.

So when Jim told him he loved him, it threw him completely off guard. He knew Jim hadn't had enough to drink for that to pass as a drunken slip. He also knew that deep down, Jim wasn't that cruel. Not to him. Which means--

What has it that green-blooded hobgoblin always said?

_If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth_

Despite how improbable it seems to him, the kid must be telling the truth.

Now Leonard has to figure out how to handle this.

"Goddammit, Jim. Out of everything I thought you were gonna say, that wasn't it." Bones was shifting uneasily in his seat, "listen, kid--"

Jim cut him off before he could finish letting him down.

"Fuck. I can't-- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have," Jim's apology tumbled out of his mouth as he grabbed his jacket and slid out of the booth, walking as fast as he could to the nearest exist and not looking back.

The words  _stop, don't_  go got caught in his throat and all he could do was watch Jim run out the nearest exit as fast as he could.

 _Maybe this was a good thing,_  he thought. This will give them both some time to process everything that has happened and they can talk it all over.

Bones goes back to their dorm room to wait for Jim, but he never shows up. Eventually the pacing back and forth wears him out and Bones eventually passes out on the couch.

The next thing he knows, it's morning and he's jarred awake at the sound of the door slamming shut with an all-too cheerful Kirk coming through.

"Morning, Bonesy! Hell of a night huh?" Jim bounced through the tiny living room and headed straight for the kitchen to start a pot of coffee.

"Yeah," Bones answered slowly, slightly wary of Jim's overly cheerful tone, "yeah, it was some night. About that--"

Jim cuts him off before he can continue, "Man, I barely remember a thing. Scotty must've slipped me some of that horse piss he tries to pass off as alcohol because all I remember is that Orion girl making eyes at me. Next thing I know, I am waking up at sunset laying in the backseat in the middle of the Nevada desert."

"Jim--" Bones starts again.

"Alone! I know what you're thinking," Jim gives him a teasing wink as he paces back and forth between the kitchen and the living room where Bones is still crashed on the couch.

Bones got up slowly and followed Jim into the kitchen trying to get him to slow down long enough to talk to him, "Kid, listen, about la--"

Jim turns around and meets Bones' eyes for the first time since  _I'm in love with you_  slipped from his mouth 12 hours earlier

"Jeez, Bones, you look like hell. Didn't you get any sleep last night? Or were you too busy, um,  _entertaining guests_?"

Jim throws him another wink and gives him a pat on the back as he heads to the bathroom and a horrible gut-wrenching feeling fills Bones' stomach.

That was it.

 _Goddammit_.

He had one chance last night to show Jim that he wasn't like everyone else. That when push came to shove, he was going to stand by Jim's side - where he belonged. But he waited too long and now Jim is going to pretend nothing ever happened.

Jim came bounding out of the bathroom and went straight to bed, without even a second glance at Bones.

If there's one thing Bones has learned about Jim in the last two years, it's that you don't get a second chance.

And Jim would never admit his feelings to him willingly again. He would never admit that his confession was anything more than a blurry, drunken ramble.

But maybe...

Maybe, for once, Bones could play the optimist. Graduation wasn't too far into the future and soon after, they would get their permanent assignments.

So Leonard made a promise - to himself and to Jim.

If he got assigned to the same starship as Jim, Bones would spend everyday trying to mend this with Jim. He would show him, somehow, that his feelings are reciprocated. He had to do this for his own sanity.

He knows a future without Jim would be his greatest fear.

A truly black future, full of darkness and silence.


	13. Chapter 13

One of Leonard's favorite things about Jim were the moments his childlike innocence was able to shine through his thickened exterior he had built for himself over the years. Jim had such a sense of wonder and such a big heart, it shone through everything he did.

Bones would grumble and occasionally put a half-hearted fight when Jim would get a whim to stay in all weekend and have a Disney marathon or decide at 1am that it was the perfect night to build a fort and sleep (and not sleep) in it for the night.

Leonard loved that he never knew what to expect when he would walk through the door but he was never surprised.

So it didn't really phase him when he got home after a long shift to find Jim perched on the arm of the couch, his feet swung over the back.

"Bones, what the hell are you doing?" Jim screamed at him.

"The fuck, Jim?"

"Goddammit, you have to get over here! The floor is lava!"

Bones couldn't resist the massive eye-roll that came over him.

"You have got to be kidding me, you infant."

Jim started removing the cushions from the couch, throwing them in Bones' general direction as Bones tried to duck and weave so they didn't knock him upside the head.

"Bones, NO! It's too late! You're serious lack of a sense of fun and adventure has been your downfall and the lava has taken it's next victim."

Jim got off the couch, walking over to Bones before throwing his arms around his boyfriend's neck.

"You are such a damn drama queen, Jim," Bones' voice had lost it's edge and he couldn't resist leading in to place a gentle kiss on Jim's full lips.

"Yeah, but you love me," Jim replied, his voice low.

"You know I do."

Even through the next couple of years, through the rest of academy and through their emergency appointments on the Enterprise, through Narada and the demise of Vulcan, through the pain and the heart ache that the crew experienced, Jim never lost his sense of wonder.

If anything, it made Jim care more and it made them both appreciate each other like never before. They had seen destruction and devastation together and they knew how precious life was. How quickly everything could be taken away from them.

Bones always knew the risk of losing Jim was greater than the other way around. He knew Jim's leaning towards leaping without looking; he knew that Jim would willingly put his life on the line if it meant protecting his crew.   
Bones loved this about him, but it also worried him every damn day.

When Khan arrived on the scene, Bones had a bad feeling about the entire situation. Jim was stilted and on edge after the death of Pike and Bones knew that Jim was taking this to heart more than anything else. This was the time Bones was worried that Jim's extreme loyalty would get him hurt.

Or worse.

With their ship plummeting towards Earth due to their damaged warp core, Bones desperately tried to find Jim; he needed to reassure himself that Jim wasn't off doing anything stupid.

When he couldn't find him, Bones ran as fast as he could to engineering.

It wasn't fast enough.

Bones sank to his knees as he approached the glass door separating him from Jim.

He had saved the ship. He had saved the crew. And he paid the price of his life.

Jim was trying to hold on to the last bit of his life as long as he could as he raised his hand to the glass. Bones pressed his hand at the same spot, hoping if he pressed hard enough, he could reach through and drag Jim out of the poison.

"Hey Bones," Jim whispered.

"Yeah, Jim?" Bones responded.

"The floor...it's lava. Get it?" Jim laughed weakly at his reference to the earlier days of their relationship. Back to a free and innocent time.

Bones couldn't stop the tears that were flowing freely from his eyes.

"I love you so much," Bones choked out.

"I love yo--" Jim's words faded out as his head lolled back and his sank sank to the ground with a deafening _thump._

Bones had faced his fair share of heartache in his time, but he never cried.

He didn't cry when he watched his father's casket get lowered to the ground.

He didn't cry when Jocelyn came home and told him that their marriage was over.

But right now - losing the thing he needed most in the world, losing his reason for living, his reason for getting up in the morning?

He couldn't stop the tears even if he tried.


	14. Chapter 14

Jim and Bones had a moment after Bones smuggled him onto the Enterprise. The tension was thick in the air and when Bones told Jim _I couldn't just leave you there looking all pathetic,_ Jim felt like it was a substitute for words that they both wanted to say but neither of them had the courage yet.

When he was marooned on Delta Vega though, something happened. Something shifted. Spock Prime showed him everything that had happened in his world - everything that could be a possibility with his own. He should Jim his personal relationship with _his_ Jim and left Kirk's mind whirling with the endless possibility and his own conflicting emotions.

When Jim got back onto the ship with the help of Scotty, Bones was relieved and tried as hard as he could to get them alone so he could say those words he thought he would never have a chance to say again.

"It's good to see you, Jim," Bones said quietly as he approached Jim for the first time after he got back.

"Yeah, you too, Bones," Jim answered.

"There's something I need to say and I realize this isn't the time or the place, but I thought I wou--"

Jim knew what was coming and he had to cut it off before Bones could get it out.

"Hey, do you know where Spock went to?" Jim asked.

"Sp--Spock? The guy that you managed to emotionally unhinge so much that he almost killed you?" Bones just stared at him in disbelief.

"Yeah. I just need him, um, need to see him that is," Jim couldn't look Bones in the eye as his face reddened and he shifted uneasily.

"Uh, no. I don't know, but Jim lo--"

"I'm sorry, Bones - I can't do this right now. Please. I need to see Spock. I need...I need to figure things out." 

Jim looked in Bones' eyes and he hoped the words he couldn't say out loud were visible in his eyes.

_I'm so sorry._


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _anonymous prompt: Bones never takes Jim abroad the USS Enterprise and that ship blows up along with all the others and Jim never gets to confess his love for Bones._

"He didn't call my name," Jim stated dumbly as he chased the commander down. "Commander, sir, you didn't call my name, Kirk, James T."

"Kirk, you're on academic suspension, that means you're grounded until the academy board rules." He didn't even look up from his PADD to

"Jim, the board will rule in your favor," Bones hesitated slightly, "most likely." He couldn't bare to see the hurt expression on Jim's face. "Look Jim, I've gotta go."

"Yeah. Yeah you go," Jim shook his head to clear the sad thoughts before saying goodbye to his best friend, "be safe."

He stood there and watched Bones go to board the Enterprise. He could have sworn he saw Bones hesitate for a moment before boarding.

 _What did you think was going to happen,_ Jim thought. _Did you think he was going to run back to you saying he couldn't leave without you knowing how he felt? Did you think he was going to run for a longing embrace and a passionate kiss before he left?_

_A guy can dream._

Three years now.

For three years, since that day on that shuttle that took him the hell away from Iowa, Jim has known without a shadow of a doubt that he is in love with his best friend.

And every waking minute of his life has been spent in agony since then.

He has dreamt of every scenario possible where Bones has come to his senses and realized that they should be together, but that day never came. Jim knows that the feeling is mutual though. There have been too many times he has caught Bones staring at him when he thinks he doesn't notice. Too many times where Bones has reached for something and casually grazed Jim's hand even when they were nowhere close.

_When he gets back._

When Bones gets back from aiding Vulcan, then he will tell him. No more of the what ifs. No more sleepless nights spent tossing and turning because Jim is too distracted thinking of how it would feel to be laying in Bones' arms instead of his empty bed.

Jim was in the middle of a particularly beautiful daydream when the calls started coming in.

It was an attack against Starfleet and the ships were being taken down one by one. Jim turns the feed in his room to listen to the distress calls one by one.

_Walcott._

_Hood._

_Antares_

_Farragut._

Starfleet is no longer receiving signals from any of the ships.

_All passengers aboard are to be presumed dead._

Jim's stomach is in knots as he waits for the inevitable. He listened to the name of every ship and all he could think of were all of his friends that he would never see again. For the first time in his life, Jim prayed. He screwed his eyes shut and hoped against hope that he wouldn't hear the words that he knew were coming.

_Enterprise._

He couldn't stand it anymore. Jim got to his feet and ran to the bathroom as fast as he could, throwing up violently.

_All passengers presumed dead._

When Jim had thrown up the entire contents of his stomach (which weren't much to begin with), he went and crawled into Bones' bed and allowed himself to do something he had never done before.

He cried.

He mourned.

He grieved for his best friend.

He grieved for the man he was in love with.

And he grieved for the future he was never going to have.

The future that got taken away from him before it could even begin.


	16. Chapter 16

Jim's heart was beating so hard he felt like it was going to rip through his chest. But he couldn't tear his eyes away. Even if this ended badly, he couldn't look away. He couldn't miss what could be his last chance to see Bones.

_ It can’t end like this. He can’t die like this. Not without me telling him. _

_Once the torpedo is detonated_ , Jim resolved.  _I’ll tell him then_. No holding it back.

Jim tried to shake the thoughts of losing the only person he has ever loved. He still had a job to do - he had to be Captain.

_ Jim, get her the hell out of here. _

Bones’ voice was a desperate plea.

It was the right thing to do.

Bones always knew the right thing to do.

He started to give the command but Carol’s voice broke through, equally as desperate.

_ If you beam me back, he dies! Just let me do it! _

Jim took a deep breath. It was worth a shot.

Bones’ voice echoing the torpedo countdown was breaking him inside.

Sulu was prepared to beam Carol back on his command, but Jim couldn't give the call yet. She was his only chance to save Bones.

When he heard Spock declaring deactivation successful, Jim held a breath he didn't even know he was holding. He collapsed forward, Nyota placing a reassuring and knowing hand on his shoulder.

_ Doctor McCoy, are you alright? _

He tried to keep his voice steady, not wanting anyone to know how much he was truly panicking.

After Bones and Carol were safely aboard the Enterprise, Jim went searching for Leonard. He knew the timing was terrible, but he couldn’t stand it for one more minute. He assumed Bones was in his office so he made a beeline straight to Medical Bay.

He didn’t like using his override commands to get through, but desperate times call for desperate measures. He finally got to Bones’ office and used his access code one more time before bursting through the door.

“Bones, I-- Oh, I’m so sorry. I, uh, didn’t think you’d have company.”

Jim’s heart sank straight to the floor as he saw Leonard and Carol in a warm embrace that was anything but platonic. She had her face buried in his chest and his hands were threaded through her hair, his lips on the top of her head whispering soft reassurances that everything was okay now.

“Jim, I’m sorry I--”

“No, it’s no big deal. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. And now you are. So I’m glad that you are safe. Um. The both of you.”

Jim awkwardly backed out of the room and got back to the bridge as fast as his feed could take him.

He tried to shake the image out of his head on the way, the image of Leonard and Carol so intimately wound in each other.

_If he’s happy, that’s all that matters._

That’s what he had convinced himself by the time he made his way back to his chair. As long as Bones was happy, then he was happy. That’s what loving someone meant, right? Their happiness comes first.

So later that day, when Bones shyly came up to him and said that they needed to file the official papers with Starfleet to notify them of his relationship with Carol, Jim was able to give him a slap on the back and tell him how great it was.

Maybe if he said it enough times, he would start to believe it himself.


	17. Chapter 17

_You’re the reason why I’m trapped here. How could you?_

_Bones, please, just li--_

_I don’t have a choice but to listen to you for the next five goddamn years. Why the hell did you deny my request for a transfer?_

_Because the Enterprise deserves the best. And you’re the best._

_You’re the most selfish bastard I have ever met in my life._

Jim breathed deep, letting the truth of Bones’ words wash over him.

_Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do._

_Yeah, well, loving you was the last goddamn thing I wanted to do and see where that got me._

Jim kept telling himself it was for the best. It was for their own good. He was toxic and everything he touched burned.

_Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want to be with me._

Jim thought about it for a minute before responding with the only truth he could dig up.

_I don’t want you to be with me._

And that was the truth. Jim didn’t want to ruin Bones, didn’t want to poison him. Didn’t want to trap him in something that he wasn’t able to fully give into.

_I wish I didn’t know you._

Bones twisted Jim’s words back against him. When Jim uttered those words, there was an underlying sense of gratitude in them after Leonard had stuck his neck out and risked his career to get him aboard the Enterprise.

_Don’t be such an infant._

Jim couldn’t resist whispering the words back to him, but Bones was already gone. Jim’s stomach felt hollow, already sick with the emptiness of watching Bones walk out of his life. It was better off this way in the long run. He wasn't sure how, yet, but it had to be.

 


	18. Chapter 18

"You are fucking kidding me right? Rocky Road? You know I hate it!” 

Jim had never seen Bones so angry in his life, especially about something so stupid. They had been bickering over tiny things for a few days now, but this is just ridiculous.

"Bones, you’re kidding right? It’s just ice cream.”

"No, it isn’t JUST ice cream, Jim. It’s a metaphor for our entire goddamn relationship. You only make decisions based on your own selfish wants and needs and never stop for two seconds to consider what I want. You know what? I can’t handle this right now. I’m gonna go stay with Nyota for a couple days. I need some space to think about things…to think about us.”

All Jim could do was watch Bones walk away from him and it hurt him to the depths of his soul. He never thought he would see him walk away and not know if he was going to come back.

Jim was used to their squabbles and fights about little things. It was expected with two hard headed men in one space for length on end, but this was damn ridiculous. It had been a couple weeks since “the ice cream incident" and Jim thought he had given Bones enough time and space. He knew that Bones had a few valid point though. If Jim wanted this to work for the long haul then he was going to have to admit to Bones that he sometimes made selfish decisions and would work on it for him. For them.

*****

Jim didn’t know why he was so nervous heading to Bones’ room, it’s the same walk he had made a million times. He was ready for this though. Ready to move forward. Ready to spend the rest of his life loving Bones the way he deserves to be loved.

Jim stood outside the door for a few minutes before he had the courage to knock. He knew the code, he could have easily gone in there himself but he needed to test the waters first. He needed to see where things stood before he barged in there like things were okay.

He knocked on the door gently and when it flew opened, he started to apologize. “I’m so sorry, I guess I went to the wrong room, wasn’t paying much attention walking over here.”

"Are you looking for Leo? He had to go to the clinic for a bit but he should be back home later. Are you a friend of his? I can leave a message."

"Uh, yeah if you could just tell him Jim stopped by…I’m sorry, I didn’t seem to catch your name. I’m Kirk, Jim Kirk."

"Oh, of course! Jim! Leo has mentioned you a few times. I’m Jocelyn McCoy. Well, not McCoy anymore I suppose, but the way things are looking right now, I’ll be a McCoy again before I know it!"

She laughed and tossed her hair back and Jim knew instantly things were done for. He knew when he first met Bones on that shuttle in Iowa, how distraught he was over leaving Jocelyn and Joanna. Maybe this was what was best for him. He deserves to be happy and deserves to be with his family. And he deserves to not have Jim stand in the way of that anymore.

_   
_


End file.
